1. Designate your sacrifice. Yes we all know zombies are slow but they tend to travel in large groups, like locusts. Find the weakest, slowest and dumbest person in your group. Stay as far away from this person as possible! When the zombies attack, and you are all running away, this person will be automatically disposed to standing, staring and saying “huh?” This means that the zombies will catch them allowing extra time for the rest of you to escape.
2. Avoid all malls. Zombies like the living just can’t resist the food court. The only difference between them and us is the choice of menu.
3. Proper footwear is essential. Make sure you have a good pair of running shoes. If you must wear 4 inch Jimmy Choo spiked heels, remember they are not fancy footwear but emergency defensive weapons (Only effective at close range for poking out zombie eyeballs)
4. Loot the first sporting goods store you come across. I guarantee you will find a gun or two along with some ammunition in the hunting section. And as we have seen recently, bows and arrows are very good for killing zombies silently. Don’t forget a good sharp knife in case you need to perform an emergency zombie autopsy.
5. Aim for the head. Shooting a zombie anywhere except between the eyes just pisses them off and wastes your ammo.
6. When your best friend gets bitten shoot them immediately. I don’t care how much first aid you give, your homey is now a zombie-in-waiting, just get it over with while they are still human enough to appreciate the gesture.
7. Stock up on necessary food stuffs. For some reason canned soda and potato chips seem to be in great supply during Zombie attacks. Learn to hunt so you can supplement your diet with squirrel.
8. Find a strong easily defensible position and barricade yourself in. If a member of your little group of survivors wants to ‘take a look outside to check things out’, refer to tip #1. They have just ‘volunteered’.
9. In the unbelievable event of these tips not working, the final tip-Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye, then ‘opt out’.